Riley Alexis

That heart stopping moment when the nurse looks at you and smiles and says, "Ah! It's a girl, congratulations!" I was so surprised. I knew from the beginning it was a girl but recently Alex had talked convincingly enough about how great boys were that I had accepted being a boy's mom but NOPE. It's a girl. And her name is Riley Alexis Ocasio. 

Riley Nicole was the name I had picked out from childhood for my daughter but when I found out, I knew Alex had said he would love to have the name Alex somehow incorporated and so Riley Alexis was the natural choice. He instantly agreed. We took a bit longer to come up with a boy's name but Dean Alexander was special because Alex's late nephew, Martin, had the middle name Dean and it was perfect if we had a boy. 


6.17.16 finally answered all of our what-ifs. The technician was very thorough and showed us all the different parts of our little girl, who's healthy and on track for November! In fact, yesterday marked 20 weeks THE HALFWAY POINT. [ i've been pregnant for 20 weeks. unbelievable ] Riley not only is a kicker and mover but she has been listening to our krav classes - hands were up, protecting her face and she even had some elbow #1 action going on to avoid the camera (: During classes, its amusing to watch him teach kicks and feel her moving inside me. 

6.17.16 It's a GIRL

We had different ideas on how to announce little Riley to the world but it ended up with me contacting my friend who is also pregnant (and having a little girl!) and a fantastic photographer. Purple Paint. Water Guns. White shirts. It was a BLAST. Here are just a few from the photo shoot: 

[ yes there was glitter and purple paint EVERYWHERE ]

Life has been an incredible journey with this man and now our #lifeofdos has changed into our little family of three and we can't be more excited! There is no one else I'd rather walk this path with or stand next to while raising our daughter. Life feels difficult with its ups and downs but standing by his side has never felt more right. Our cozy townhouse is slowly coming together and we're looking forward to the next few years filling it with even more memories!


Thoughts from Mother's Day

5.8.16 Mother's Day

Baby is officially into the second trimester as of May 11th! It is amazing to think that I've been pregnant for 14 weeks. There's a slight baby bump now but its not enough for someone to look at me and think oh! baby. [maybe like she's got a bit of a tummy but the rest of me is still skinny] I have an appointment tomorrow for updates and hopefully another ultrasound picture. We may decide to go ahead this weekend and announce Baby O to the social world but that'll require some coordination. 

Mother's Day came and we ended up making the drive out to Pittsboro to see my family and fur babies. It was a good visit with everyone, we ended up looking through mom's old scrapbooks of me. Alex laughed at all the crazy food and hair pictures. And he graciously asked his mom to send some of his childhood pictures to us so I could see them. We both are adamant that we were the cutest baby of the family so this child has no choice but to steal hearts from the moment it comes into this world! I also called P-paw and let him know about his new great-grandchild. Hopefully he can meet Alex at Aunt Diane's wedding this June. 

It's been a whirlwind week however because WE ARE GOING TO HAVE A TOWNHOUSE! It's a beautiful cozy home about 10 minutes south of where we are now. The neighborhood is quiet with lots of long roads for evening walks with the family. I am [dying] to paint and make it our home but we have to wait til at least June 6th to close if nothing holds us up. Fingers crossed everything is good to go and on time. (=

5.11.16 14 weeks / Second trimester

I feel very loved by Alex and building our family together. It's scary and exciting, I often feel like I have no clue what I'm doing and its easy to feel defeated. But I have such a strong partner at my side, I know we can conquer every obstacle that comes our way. Our strengths compliment each other. Which is good because the stress level of moving and getting ready for baby will increase in the next few weeks. Being in a relationship is so challenging; I am constantly tested and pushed to be better. Seeing the world from different perspectives is something I am grateful for even when I get overwhelmed by all the information that comes my way. As Alex always says, "Everything is a decision." It's easy to remember this and the logic it brings to situations when you're not emotionally charged but the advice is sound and something that has shaped the way I approach things. 

I feel like im starting to ramble when i should be wrapping things up and moving onto to my work projects.  =P 

Who do you want to be?

Every person wants to feel like they have a purpose. They are meant to live for something. They want they do matters. Guess what? You have a purpose. I have a purpose. 

I often feel like God won't forgive me. That's I'll be so stubborn that there won't be any turning around for me. I KNOW God forgives and has His arms outstretched towards me to repent and turn. BUT I act like He doesn't. This disconnect of knowing something and acting on it is hard. Its something I struggle with in many aspects of my life. 

Im trying to find my identity. And to end the bad habits of beating myself up for not getting it right the 5 hundredth time or feeling inadequate, etc whatever else makes me feel worthless. The past Sunday I spent a miserable 24 hours. I bickered with Alex, I cried myself sick, and I felt worthless. I ruined my whole day, his day, and finally ended the day alone and numb. 

But that awful day sparked something. For the first time, I have been able to look at a situation and think, no I am not going to fly off the handle upset. I have thought through what I was saying, who I told, etc for many situations in the last week. I have chosen to push aside the weak feelings and emotional urge to cry. I'm not perfect. But I finally feel released. That I can shake things off. I can take a bad day and leave it in the past. I can frustrate Alex and say I'm sorry and move on. I can disappoint others and myself and say tomorrow's a new day, lets do this better. 

Now I have expectations and I do feel hurt. Every day. But there's something different. honestly. I feel more clear-headed. There isn't so much muddling around. God seems to be saying yes, who do you think I am? Because once you know that. Then you'll know who YOU are Caity. 

I am an intelligent beautiful person who loves deeply. Yes I want to make everyone happy. I love being around Alex and my friends and enjoying the moment. These are good wholesome things. I don't have to save the world, I need to live my life and live it to the fullest. I don't have all the answers but I can re-cultivate a love of finding answers. I'm not perfect, but I can listen and learn to do better. I'm not big but I have the tools I need to discover how to become stronger and faster. 

I have a good life. All the ups and downs and hardships suck but there is always light. 

Time is a tricky thing

I know. There's like no belly in that picture. BUT look how much baby O (aka Quasi) has grown in the last two weeks! Baby is about the size of a prune now but already moves enough that it was hard to get a picture for our second ultrasound (= Everything looks healthy, I'm healthy despite allergies, and praise God the nausea has been next to none! 

There are still moments in the day when reality hits and I get those overwhelming panicky thoughts of holy crap I'm a mom, this is happening, what if I mess up horribly and how the hell am I going to do this?! This journey is going to reveal more steel in me. Because its only going to make me a stronger person. Each week I feel like I am able to overcome one more weakness though I discover 2 more =P It feels like I have so much to do and no time. YET. time feels like its passing so slowly. It's best to just enjoy it and capture the memories as often as I can. 2 more weeks til I'm in the second trimester and we can post an announcement !!!!! Then I'm gonna be on myself to take a weekly picture to watch Baby O and baby bump grow. (=

Krav has been more stressful for me as no one knows yet about baby O and so trying to avoid bumps and bruises and heavy padwork has been ... well stressful. AND IM TIRED ALL THE TIME. I hate that the most. I feel like I may could accept it more if I dealt with more morning sickness (NOT wishing for that just to be clear) but miss I have-to-do-everything is really struggling with my body telling me rest is best. Haha I do enjoy telling Alex about my cravings though he says its all in my head. But

Alex has been such an amazing person through all this. We have our spats where we discuss things (heatedly) but I always walk away feeling okay if not better. We've really stressed communication and discussing things and despite the initial bumpiness, its been a relief to have him to lean on as a partner. His family and my family all know now except Nanny and Papas (my mom's parents) who are meeting us later on this month for dinner. They've never actually met Alex either so it'll be a lot of info coming in that night for them (= 

The latest OBGYN appointment was quick, despite needing a papsmear (oh god why...), but apparently I'm a really healthy person and should have a drama free pregnancy. Whoop whoop! I have O- blood (universal donor here) which means I'll need to get the shot or whatever because of the RH factor. We got to hear the heartbeat again which is crazy fast. And the baby was moving around enough we had to play around to get a snapshot. Alex is excited for it to be a kicker like him. Which is understandable if you've been on the receiving end of his formidable kicks. This baby already has its childhood planned out: gymnastics, martial arts, music, and art lessons. 

I am pretty happy having two blog posts up. My website updated minus the content I need to add from my personal laptop. I GOT TWO GRAPHIC DESIGN JOBS DONE. And daily walks in the sunshine. Sometimes its good to write down reminders to enjoy the little things or acknowledge I accomplished something.